This article is so great, that I’m going to play it off as actual news. A woman’s plea to stay in the friend zone is definitely news. For the guy. Hey, The Onion has actual newspapers on the streets everywhere, so what else would it be?

It’s just…you’re like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you’ve spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don’t have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I’d call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn’t answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don’t even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Shout out to our most special-est (not a word) of special Kickstarter backers, Patrick! Who earned a Co-Producer credit from his large donation. Thanks my dude. He’s been more than supportive through thick and thin. I shall dub you Producer P. Kinda like that other P with a Skateboard. Since you’re a big fan of his. Probably a stretch.